contracted love gives the feeling of missing...
expanded love doesn't miss anything or anyone...
how can you miss what you have inside all the time???
go within...enjoy the trip...

there was a lot to celebrate today...it's my son's birthday and my guru's.

I was left alone...and went for a walk in the pouring rain.for each raindrop that wet my

 face...a thought.a cobweb of thoughts  flowing from my mind.I was supposed to be celebrating something very important....

                                                                                              Gurumayi Chidvilasananda

                                                                                                  HAPPY BIRTHDAY

When Im dreaming Im guided to another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
Cause I dont want to leave the comfort of this place
Cause theres a hunger, longing to escape
From the life I live when Im awake

So lets go there
Lets make our escape
Come on; lets go there
Lets ask can we stay?

Chorus
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets

Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But my friend Id sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the earth and my dreams the same

The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So lets go there
Lets make our escape
Come on
Lets go there lets ask can we stay

Chorus

Lets go there
Lets go there
Lets go there
Lets ask can we stay

Up high I feel like Im alive for the very first time
Sat up high Im strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

--------

I have two little birds in a beautiful cage
I'm learning with them the concept of freedom
when in prison...

PEACEFUL WEEKEND

=I'm home=

it feels great!!!!!!

The telephone rang very early in the morning.It was my brother asking me to go urgently to Lisbon.My father...cancer terminal ...was in coma and they expected him to die at any moment.I wasn't prepared to face my father's death...so my mind started looking for excuses to avoid going to Lisbon.A thousand thoughts appeared and disappeared...all of them whirling around the idea of losing the one I loved so dearly....no...that couldn't be true.My father was inmortal...my father was my hero...my father was MY father...the image of both of us side by side looking at the sea when I was 9 flashed so vivid ...it was the first time I was presented to so much water together...and i asked him in a tiny voice:"Papa...where's the other shore ???" he laughed at my childish ignorance...used to rivers and streams in the small village between mountains...the vision of this infinite amount of water scared me...swiftly...I looked for his hand to hold it as tight as possible...afraid of the huge waves coming from the Atlantic ocean...

No...I wasn't ready to let him go...

Another image of my father taking the whole family almost every Sunday to the different museums...he never asked if we wanted to go...we had to go.He was Papa...the captain of the boat...mom...was the faithful assistant...agreeing with the captain in everything...without voice...without opinion...{loyal till death do us part}...I remember my boredom walking through all those museum things...the totally uninteresting objects displayed everywhere...and the efforts my father made to pomp me with all the knowledge possible in such Sundays obligatory walks.

In between... the image of a little girl stamping grapes with papa and all the men and women that worked for the rich farmers...the men with the pants rolled up to the knees...and the women with their colorful skirts rolled up on the sides to their waists...all embraced singing folk songs...barefooted...stamping those grapes to the rythm of the out of tune songs...until the last ray of the sun disappeared on the horizon...

No...papa...couldn't possible go without me...who will tell me now all the stories of pain and poverty as a child...to go to school he had to walk 5km...through snow...without shoes...hills up...hills down...his adventures as a miner working for the Germans during 2 world war...how he became a teacher in Lisbon...loved and respected by all his students...his love for his mother...left alone with 5 small children...etc...etc...

Who will love me if he dies???

I  left home very young... suddenly i realized i missed all the years not being around my father...

I got a ticket for that same day straight to Lisbon...one of my daughters with me...the kids had two weeks vacation...

The first day I saw my father...laying in the hospital bed...it looked to me that he was already dead...his skin was kinda grey...closed eyes...in a fetus posture...tubes everywhere ...I felt weak...my legs felt like rubber...and I simply fainted...

I caressed his bony cheeks...combed his wavy hair with my hands...and held his hand between mine...I felt so sorry for the pain I had given him when I left him as a teenager...I know he had forgiven me...and we kept in contact all the time...but even so...I cried and cried next to his hospital bed...asking God for a miracle...

Two days after...we got a call from the hospital...my father had come out of the coma...and was counscious!!!he wanted to see me!!!!

I could talk to him for ten minutes...love him...listen to him whispering my name with joy ...then he went again...

for two or three days...he was in and out...having periods of being completely awaken...and on the 4th day the nurse came to me saying...my father was

awaken...and feeling good.She warned me also...that I shouldn't build up hopes... shouldn't believe in miracles...my father was dying... shouldn't forget that...

Two weeks lasted the our honeymoon...two weeks we laughed together...two weeks of rememberances...two weeks trying to live our missed moments together...i had the pleasure to see him eating again solid food...and yes...my hopes were growing against the warnings from doctors and nurses...two weeks he kept saying he was going home with me...

My heart was bleeding at the same time...I had to go back to the netherlands...I mentioned it to him...we had two days left...he asked me to shave him...and cut his nails...which i did with all my care and love.He complained about having pain all over...mostly his legs and feet...I massage his legs and feet very careful...but still I heard a painful scream...touching him...

Two days to go...when i went in... the nurse in duty...said he wasn't very well...he could hardly speak...I noticed his feet were very cold...he kept his eyes closed...and though I talked to him...he answered now and then...with one or two words...in a very low tone...at a moment he squeezed my hand...opened his right eye...looked at me...and gone he was again....deep in the coma.

I had to come back...my father didn't come out of the coma...and nobody knew how long he would stay like that...

Two days after arriving to Holland...one night...I had a very strange dream...I saw my father completely naked...happily walking where my mom lived...

I told him shocked..."Pa...you should be at the hospital...what are you doing here...naked???'"

he answered laughing...healthier than ever...glowing ;"I'm home"....and I woke up...impressed still with the light my father irradiated from his body...

In the morning my brother called...my father had passed away that same night...at 1am.

I felt then that the whole world was a big dark hole...and i couldn't understand death...or accept it...and of course...when your concepts are so narrow...God makes sure you will get the right understanding...and he sent me a job with the elderly....one year after my dad's departure...where I've learnt that everything is just a moment passing by... love and enjoy every bit of it...and death...is returning to the source...

I don't know why I had to share this now...after so many years...but it's an experience I cheerish...

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
Oh and don't be afraid of the dark.

'cause at the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver
Sounds of a lark.

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams
Be tossed and blown.

Walk on
Walk on
With hope in your hearts
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone.

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams
Be tossed and blown.

Walk on
Walk on
With hope in your hearts
And you'll never walk alone

You'll never walk alone.

I always pray for the ones staying....

the ones that leave are  light...

they don't need prayers...

there;s a lot of pain pouring down from the skies...

clocks hanging here and there
which clock will let you see the truth
about time???
-the one hanging on the walls of past memories

....my daughter's retro room...it's coming up!!!!It scared me to see so much red...

but...that's what she wanted....no bed yet!!!she's the youngest...18

am happy to see she shows interest in something....she's been on stand by for the last two years....